Please bless my daddy with good health
Please bless my daddy with speedy recovery
Please don't let the nightmares begin again
Please let my prayers come true...
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
i think there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I just need my sanity back.
panic attack again....
breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply.
just let go, just let go, just let go.....let it be, let it be, let it be....
panic attack again....
breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply.
just let go, just let go, just let go.....let it be, let it be, let it be....
My Kitties
The little brown tabby on the left is Brownie (now he looks like a tiger ah!) The sweet white kitty on the right is Xiao Bai. She's Ms Ya Ya as she doesn't like anyone to cuddle her but she never fails to give me a kiss whenever I ask for one = )
That sweetie pie on the left is Batman (not difficult to see why we named him that). He had a little black mole near his lip and little pink nose. Super blur but very sweet natured kitty...even when he was suffering in pain from the ruptured tumour which according to the vet, was congenital. Din get to see him for the last time as he passed away at the vet's clinic before I could rush there in time. Still remember standing in the middle of Vivo City in Dec last year crying my heart out when Joyce called me to break the news to me. Sounds dramatic yah but I just couldn't hold back my tears when I saw the MMS photo which Joyce sent me with him lying weakly in the cage that has special oxygen supply. Miss you terribly Batman! I'm sure Brownie and Xiao Bai do too.
emotionally drained
Something unpleasant happened this week.
Got involved in a quarrel with a JC fren over the msn this week. What started out as a quarrel between three parties (me, my galfriend and another JC classmate) quickly got blown out of proportion and eventually the entire clique, or rather almost entire clique got drawn in.
I got too emotional and carried away when i was embroiled in a misunderstanding that threatened my reputation. Whether it was an intentional or unintentional misunderstanding, I din like being accused of something I have not done. What irked me most is that when i tried to confront this fren to clarify the misunderstanding, he totally ignored me and refused to do anything to clear the air. That's why I feel that it was an intentional misunderstanding, mayb not deliberately created to get me in trouble (i certainly hope so) but simply meant to achieve a purpose, only that it is at my expense.
My misunderstanding with this fren was just a little episode in this whole incident. It was basically two (me and my galfriend) vs my jc classmate. I have to admit I do feel a bit guilty about this as my classmate, no doubt he may be a little irritating and conceited, we have been frens for ten yrs after all and he did not really do anything wrong against us.
I could have tried to prevent all these by stopping my galfriend from pursuing the matter but I did not. As the rest of the clique got pulled into this we see some of our frens stepping forward to mediate this dispute while some prefers to stay neutral and out of this as much as possible. It is interesting to think back now on the roles each of us play in this incident. Of coz, throughout the whole saga, I wasn't as clear headed as I should be. Nontheless, I was glad we managed to put a stop to this "quarrel" before things really get out of hand. Many thanks to ZC, who was trying so hard to contain the whole matter and keep anyone from exploding. If it wasn't for him, I dun think I would hv been so willing to let it rest. Not that i'm being spiteful or quarrelsome, I just dun like to be accused.
Retrospectively, the whole incident really seems rather insignificant. It was after all a petty or childish quarrel over nothing. BUT, what's interesting is the reflection of human nature that is enlightening. I related the whole incident to my bro (who IS PART OF THIS CLIQUE as much as he tries to dissociate himself) and he sees it from a totally different point of view, which seems very scary if what he sees is proven to be true. What seems like an innocent petty quarrel could be an attention seeking ploy orchestrated by someone for some reason which I cannot comprehend or ever think of. I know my brother only wants to let me see a clear picture of what mayb the truth behind the whole incident but I find it quite hard to believe such things could be happening. I know that some truths cannot be denied especially when there are already so many pieces of the puzzle that fit but it is a very disappointing and disheartening truth which i hope i can deny for as long as i can.
Incidentally, when I shared everything with Mark, he sees it the same way as my bro and much worse. He painfully pointed out to me what a hypocritical group of frens i have. Frens who have called each other good frens for ten yrs but never hesitated to spill each other secret or laugh and mock one another behind their backs. Frens who do not have the guts to confront each other when there's any problem or misunderstanding. I felt quite ashamed when Mark pointed out all these. At that moment, I felt very sorry for myself. While the six of us JC classmates held a meeting on msn to discuss this incident (our weak attempt at trying to resolve it), the same could hv happened several years back among the same few of them (perhaps not tat many) to discuss my possible betrayal of ZC. In the same way, one of them could have mistaken that I had betrayed ZC but never had been friend enough to confront me about it or clarify this misunderstanding. Instead, small discussions were formed and this doubt would hv been planted in everyone's heart. Geniune friends would have been concerned and spoken up for me, some may simply try to stay neutral again and listen to this piece of gossip like it is just but another juicy news. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, no one had the balls to talk to me about this. If not for my dear bro, I probably would not have known who are my true frens.
What Mark says is very true, true frens would never hesitate to break a bad news no matter how painful it is. True frens would never hesitate to scold or scream at you for a mistake you have done. True frens who love you would never hide things from you just so that you will not get hurt. Again, he reminded me that I have many fair weather frens, whom he thinks will not stand by me when I'm in need. Among my frens that he know, he could only count 2 whom he feels he could trust to stand by me during difficult times and they are Chuan-Hao and my bro. I dunno whether to feel sad that I only hv 2 or feel happy that I have at least 2.
I asked Mark a question which for once he had no reply for me. I asked him whether true friendship really exist. ZC is leaving soon to pursue a new life and career overseas. He may not come back in the near future. As I was lamenting on the fact that good frens are leaving me, i was also thinking on the other hand whether they are really good frens. I told Mark frankly that my faith in friendship is diminishing by the day. Maybe I should not have opened up my heart so easily. The next person to leave in my life will probably be my bro. One whom I have grown very attached to these days, one whom I trust most other than my own family, one whom I consider part of ohana. I feel sad the same way I would be if Joyce were to leave me to study overseas. Sad that these loved ones may leave and never come back. As I grow, I realise that I'm not as strong as I thought I m. Maybe because I have so few thus I dread losing loved ones. The sadness is suffocating.
Again as I wonder whether my kinship with my bro would withstand all changes and stay true to the end of time, Mark reminded me that people do change. I guess i have to accept that whether i like it or not. But i will not allow myself to distance myself for fear of getting hurt. After all, if i dun treasure what i have not, i may never get the chance again. Life is too short to hesitate.
Got involved in a quarrel with a JC fren over the msn this week. What started out as a quarrel between three parties (me, my galfriend and another JC classmate) quickly got blown out of proportion and eventually the entire clique, or rather almost entire clique got drawn in.
I got too emotional and carried away when i was embroiled in a misunderstanding that threatened my reputation. Whether it was an intentional or unintentional misunderstanding, I din like being accused of something I have not done. What irked me most is that when i tried to confront this fren to clarify the misunderstanding, he totally ignored me and refused to do anything to clear the air. That's why I feel that it was an intentional misunderstanding, mayb not deliberately created to get me in trouble (i certainly hope so) but simply meant to achieve a purpose, only that it is at my expense.
My misunderstanding with this fren was just a little episode in this whole incident. It was basically two (me and my galfriend) vs my jc classmate. I have to admit I do feel a bit guilty about this as my classmate, no doubt he may be a little irritating and conceited, we have been frens for ten yrs after all and he did not really do anything wrong against us.
I could have tried to prevent all these by stopping my galfriend from pursuing the matter but I did not. As the rest of the clique got pulled into this we see some of our frens stepping forward to mediate this dispute while some prefers to stay neutral and out of this as much as possible. It is interesting to think back now on the roles each of us play in this incident. Of coz, throughout the whole saga, I wasn't as clear headed as I should be. Nontheless, I was glad we managed to put a stop to this "quarrel" before things really get out of hand. Many thanks to ZC, who was trying so hard to contain the whole matter and keep anyone from exploding. If it wasn't for him, I dun think I would hv been so willing to let it rest. Not that i'm being spiteful or quarrelsome, I just dun like to be accused.
Retrospectively, the whole incident really seems rather insignificant. It was after all a petty or childish quarrel over nothing. BUT, what's interesting is the reflection of human nature that is enlightening. I related the whole incident to my bro (who IS PART OF THIS CLIQUE as much as he tries to dissociate himself) and he sees it from a totally different point of view, which seems very scary if what he sees is proven to be true. What seems like an innocent petty quarrel could be an attention seeking ploy orchestrated by someone for some reason which I cannot comprehend or ever think of. I know my brother only wants to let me see a clear picture of what mayb the truth behind the whole incident but I find it quite hard to believe such things could be happening. I know that some truths cannot be denied especially when there are already so many pieces of the puzzle that fit but it is a very disappointing and disheartening truth which i hope i can deny for as long as i can.
Incidentally, when I shared everything with Mark, he sees it the same way as my bro and much worse. He painfully pointed out to me what a hypocritical group of frens i have. Frens who have called each other good frens for ten yrs but never hesitated to spill each other secret or laugh and mock one another behind their backs. Frens who do not have the guts to confront each other when there's any problem or misunderstanding. I felt quite ashamed when Mark pointed out all these. At that moment, I felt very sorry for myself. While the six of us JC classmates held a meeting on msn to discuss this incident (our weak attempt at trying to resolve it), the same could hv happened several years back among the same few of them (perhaps not tat many) to discuss my possible betrayal of ZC. In the same way, one of them could have mistaken that I had betrayed ZC but never had been friend enough to confront me about it or clarify this misunderstanding. Instead, small discussions were formed and this doubt would hv been planted in everyone's heart. Geniune friends would have been concerned and spoken up for me, some may simply try to stay neutral again and listen to this piece of gossip like it is just but another juicy news. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, no one had the balls to talk to me about this. If not for my dear bro, I probably would not have known who are my true frens.
What Mark says is very true, true frens would never hesitate to break a bad news no matter how painful it is. True frens would never hesitate to scold or scream at you for a mistake you have done. True frens who love you would never hide things from you just so that you will not get hurt. Again, he reminded me that I have many fair weather frens, whom he thinks will not stand by me when I'm in need. Among my frens that he know, he could only count 2 whom he feels he could trust to stand by me during difficult times and they are Chuan-Hao and my bro. I dunno whether to feel sad that I only hv 2 or feel happy that I have at least 2.
I asked Mark a question which for once he had no reply for me. I asked him whether true friendship really exist. ZC is leaving soon to pursue a new life and career overseas. He may not come back in the near future. As I was lamenting on the fact that good frens are leaving me, i was also thinking on the other hand whether they are really good frens. I told Mark frankly that my faith in friendship is diminishing by the day. Maybe I should not have opened up my heart so easily. The next person to leave in my life will probably be my bro. One whom I have grown very attached to these days, one whom I trust most other than my own family, one whom I consider part of ohana. I feel sad the same way I would be if Joyce were to leave me to study overseas. Sad that these loved ones may leave and never come back. As I grow, I realise that I'm not as strong as I thought I m. Maybe because I have so few thus I dread losing loved ones. The sadness is suffocating.
Again as I wonder whether my kinship with my bro would withstand all changes and stay true to the end of time, Mark reminded me that people do change. I guess i have to accept that whether i like it or not. But i will not allow myself to distance myself for fear of getting hurt. After all, if i dun treasure what i have not, i may never get the chance again. Life is too short to hesitate.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The week is finally coming to an end...the weekend is coming again = )
Anyway, took my first photo with my nephew on Sunday! Here's Porky Bau and Me!
Last weekend was interesting as I watched the Aviva Open live at the indoor stadium with Joyce..both the semi-final and final. Sat quite near the front for the semi-final but not all the matches were interesting...was actually dozing off halfway through some of the matches, can't quite remember which ones. To prevent myself from falling asleep I decided to read my book for a while...those uncles sitting around me must be thinking what a weird girl! Aiyah....had a tiring week and not enough sleep...at least I managed to catch some of the more exciting matches. The highlight was supposed to be Singapore's Ronald Susilo....but sad to say, disappointing...he lost to the Thai Boonsak....hmmm....who looked stunning when he smashes....impressive.
Some photos from the finals...taken by Joyce:
Anyway, took my first photo with my nephew on Sunday! Here's Porky Bau and Me!Took a picture with Mark too...which he insisted that I crop before posting on my blog but I refused to do so....bleah!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
terrible work week
work has been terrible this whole week....simply too much work and totally overwhelming!
Got to keep going...things will improve in two weeks time! GO GO GO!!!
Got to keep going...things will improve in two weeks time! GO GO GO!!!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
What is the meaning of friendship?
As I grow older, I began to question the true meaning of friendship. When I was much younger, friendship means sharing secrets, forming alliances, wearing the same brands or type of clothes...basically being identical. Whenever friends quarrel, the most common words we throw at each other are simply "I don't want to friend you anymore". Then, the meaning of friendship may seems superficial, a little childish but simple.
As we grow up, being identical seems wrong as each of us want to stand out among the group. We no longer want to buy the same type of clothes, we no longer see things in the same way...which I suppose is normal as no two people can or have to think alike. Yet as we mature, our thinking are not simple anymore. Differences, jealousy, competitiveness, comparison....and most scary of them all, mind games The question here is why must these exist between true friends.
I have discovered lately that some people whom I have perceived all these years to be true to me are not. Disappointment, sadness, hurt and...ironically blessed as someone told me that I should feel fortunate to discover this earlier and not later. Overnight, my old friends 'downgraded' to just an acquaintance or as better described by that same someone, fair-weather friends.
Do I think this way? I really don't know. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm trying to not think about it. After all, maybe the one question we should ask is: Are there such things as true friendship? Maybe not after all...
Love oneself as no one can love you more than you do.
As we grow up, being identical seems wrong as each of us want to stand out among the group. We no longer want to buy the same type of clothes, we no longer see things in the same way...which I suppose is normal as no two people can or have to think alike. Yet as we mature, our thinking are not simple anymore. Differences, jealousy, competitiveness, comparison....and most scary of them all, mind games The question here is why must these exist between true friends.
I have discovered lately that some people whom I have perceived all these years to be true to me are not. Disappointment, sadness, hurt and...ironically blessed as someone told me that I should feel fortunate to discover this earlier and not later. Overnight, my old friends 'downgraded' to just an acquaintance or as better described by that same someone, fair-weather friends.
Do I think this way? I really don't know. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm trying to not think about it. After all, maybe the one question we should ask is: Are there such things as true friendship? Maybe not after all...
Love oneself as no one can love you more than you do.
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