emotionally drained

Something unpleasant happened this week.

Got involved in a quarrel with a JC fren over the msn this week. What started out as a quarrel between three parties (me, my galfriend and another JC classmate) quickly got blown out of proportion and eventually the entire clique, or rather almost entire clique got drawn in.

I got too emotional and carried away when i was embroiled in a misunderstanding that threatened my reputation. Whether it was an intentional or unintentional misunderstanding, I din like being accused of something I have not done. What irked me most is that when i tried to confront this fren to clarify the misunderstanding, he totally ignored me and refused to do anything to clear the air. That's why I feel that it was an intentional misunderstanding, mayb not deliberately created to get me in trouble (i certainly hope so) but simply meant to achieve a purpose, only that it is at my expense.

My misunderstanding with this fren was just a little episode in this whole incident. It was basically two (me and my galfriend) vs my jc classmate. I have to admit I do feel a bit guilty about this as my classmate, no doubt he may be a little irritating and conceited, we have been frens for ten yrs after all and he did not really do anything wrong against us.

I could have tried to prevent all these by stopping my galfriend from pursuing the matter but I did not. As the rest of the clique got pulled into this we see some of our frens stepping forward to mediate this dispute while some prefers to stay neutral and out of this as much as possible. It is interesting to think back now on the roles each of us play in this incident. Of coz, throughout the whole saga, I wasn't as clear headed as I should be. Nontheless, I was glad we managed to put a stop to this "quarrel" before things really get out of hand. Many thanks to ZC, who was trying so hard to contain the whole matter and keep anyone from exploding. If it wasn't for him, I dun think I would hv been so willing to let it rest. Not that i'm being spiteful or quarrelsome, I just dun like to be accused.

Retrospectively, the whole incident really seems rather insignificant. It was after all a petty or childish quarrel over nothing. BUT, what's interesting is the reflection of human nature that is enlightening. I related the whole incident to my bro (who IS PART OF THIS CLIQUE as much as he tries to dissociate himself) and he sees it from a totally different point of view, which seems very scary if what he sees is proven to be true. What seems like an innocent petty quarrel could be an attention seeking ploy orchestrated by someone for some reason which I cannot comprehend or ever think of. I know my brother only wants to let me see a clear picture of what mayb the truth behind the whole incident but I find it quite hard to believe such things could be happening. I know that some truths cannot be denied especially when there are already so many pieces of the puzzle that fit but it is a very disappointing and disheartening truth which i hope i can deny for as long as i can.

Incidentally, when I shared everything with Mark, he sees it the same way as my bro and much worse. He painfully pointed out to me what a hypocritical group of frens i have. Frens who have called each other good frens for ten yrs but never hesitated to spill each other secret or laugh and mock one another behind their backs. Frens who do not have the guts to confront each other when there's any problem or misunderstanding. I felt quite ashamed when Mark pointed out all these. At that moment, I felt very sorry for myself. While the six of us JC classmates held a meeting on msn to discuss this incident (our weak attempt at trying to resolve it), the same could hv happened several years back among the same few of them (perhaps not tat many) to discuss my possible betrayal of ZC. In the same way, one of them could have mistaken that I had betrayed ZC but never had been friend enough to confront me about it or clarify this misunderstanding. Instead, small discussions were formed and this doubt would hv been planted in everyone's heart. Geniune friends would have been concerned and spoken up for me, some may simply try to stay neutral again and listen to this piece of gossip like it is just but another juicy news. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, no one had the balls to talk to me about this. If not for my dear bro, I probably would not have known who are my true frens.

What Mark says is very true, true frens would never hesitate to break a bad news no matter how painful it is. True frens would never hesitate to scold or scream at you for a mistake you have done. True frens who love you would never hide things from you just so that you will not get hurt. Again, he reminded me that I have many fair weather frens, whom he thinks will not stand by me when I'm in need. Among my frens that he know, he could only count 2 whom he feels he could trust to stand by me during difficult times and they are Chuan-Hao and my bro. I dunno whether to feel sad that I only hv 2 or feel happy that I have at least 2.

I asked Mark a question which for once he had no reply for me. I asked him whether true friendship really exist. ZC is leaving soon to pursue a new life and career overseas. He may not come back in the near future. As I was lamenting on the fact that good frens are leaving me, i was also thinking on the other hand whether they are really good frens. I told Mark frankly that my faith in friendship is diminishing by the day. Maybe I should not have opened up my heart so easily. The next person to leave in my life will probably be my bro. One whom I have grown very attached to these days, one whom I trust most other than my own family, one whom I consider part of ohana. I feel sad the same way I would be if Joyce were to leave me to study overseas. Sad that these loved ones may leave and never come back. As I grow, I realise that I'm not as strong as I thought I m. Maybe because I have so few thus I dread losing loved ones. The sadness is suffocating.

Again as I wonder whether my kinship with my bro would withstand all changes and stay true to the end of time, Mark reminded me that people do change. I guess i have to accept that whether i like it or not. But i will not allow myself to distance myself for fear of getting hurt. After all, if i dun treasure what i have not, i may never get the chance again. Life is too short to hesitate.