feeling very very very troubled today....its been a long time since i last felt this way....the feeling is difficult to describe....just very unsettled and frustrated. Perhaps its time to start praying again.

mayb coz mark is not around thus feeling a little lost...he left for biz trip yesterday and will only be back on Friday. its only a few days but i really missed him a lot already....dun like to be alone..not at this time

got to go for my op on Wed morning...really dread going for it. More afraid of the pain than anything. Everytime i think about it i could feel butterflies in my tummy...those who know about it told me it is not painful..at most feel sore...i certainly hope so.

its been difficult for me the past two weeks. dunno whether it is because i worry unduly or there's really cause for worrying. Feels like i'm going crazy..if this go on I think i will breakdown soon. getting a little unreasonable lately and this is starting to strain my relationship with my best fren. i also dunno what is wrong just cannot seems to be myself. i'm not normally this way but i hv been very paranoid with people around me lately. always seems to suspect that they r leaving me...should i just bottle it away or should i hv a good talk? I think i should constantly tell myself not to be paranoid...there are so many people who love me dearly and are worried about me

despite all that, i must admit that i've been a little disappointed with one person lately. he has not been able to understand my worries and comfort me when i needed him most. i know he is equally frustrated, angry and disappointed in me lately cos of my recent many quarrels with him...i know i confused and frustrated him quite a lot but had expected our bond to be stronger so that we can withstand all these quarrels. But instead i realise he is not as eager to resolve problems (mayb he din think there's any problems in the first place) between us...mayb coz he is very busy, tired or mayb it is just not as important to him. even if he thinks there's no problem, i had tot he should at least talk it through with me. we have not had a serious heart to heart talk yet...it has always been rather one-sided thus far...well...it takes two hands to clap...i know it is bad to leave problems unsolved as it may result in more misunderstanding in time to come but there's only so much i can do. if it is the way it is supposed to be...i shall just have to accept it. pressing on will only push him further.

my greatest wish now is that things do not change between us...we will always remain the best of frens..we will always be each other's ohana. I shall include that in my prayer too. If he whom i trust most among my frens were to change, then i guess there's not much i can hope for in friendship anymore.

feel a lot better after penning down all my thoughts.