la la la la......la la.....Mark is back!!!

Was telling Mark about my recent emotional discovery about changes and he told me this:

As a friend, we can choose to tell our friend, especially one who is dearly close to us that we notice a change in them, but we have no right to be judgemental and decide whether the change is good or not good. It is up to this friend to decide for himself whether the change is good or not.

Well...not that i feel any better about my friend changing but what Mark said is very very true. I shall always bear that in mind. I guess everyone of us is changing everyday...even myself. By being so emotional about it does not help the relationship, it will only push friends apart eventually. However, whether it is good or bad, I will have to trust that the true bond will never change and if I remain supportive and true to the friendship, true bond shall never break.

haiz...that's what ohana is all about right....no one gets left behind or forgotten.

Maddy Maddy....be sure to remember that all the time.

Sorry Kai Hon.

My first stitches

Three external and one internal stitches....my new tattoo...= P

But the doc must have failed art and home economics in school...the stitches are so ugly.

I'M BLESSED

i'm afraid of what is to come tomorrow but i feel very blessed now as several people have deeply deeply touched me today.

My beloved Mark who is working hard overseas but has never stopped thinking about me. Love you much baby...miss u terribly.

My sisters Joyce and Jacqueline who have been quietly concerned and worried about me and my well being. THANK YOU!!! I know I'll always have both of u to fall back on.

Kai Hon oniisan who takes care of me while Mark is away.....or rather always look out for me....thanks brother for making time to accompany me even though this is a stressful week for you.

Edmund who has insisted on taking leave tomorrow to accompany me despite his super busy work schedule and tight deadline. Thanks Ed...really touched but I would really feel bad to hold u back at work and make u wake up so early.

Cedric who has also volunteered to take a day off to accompany me...knowing i'm stressed and worried, take the time to chat with me despite being ill himself. Pls take care yourself and get well soon. The devil mentor must be healthy and strong to teach me all the evil tricks.

Serene who has sent me an email all the way from Kyoto to wish and encourage me. Thanks gal for having me in your thoughts while you are on holiday.

Ching Ching who came all the way from Paya Lebar during lunch to pass me some post surgery medical stuff. Thank you for making the effort and reassuring me whenever i want to back out of this.

what more can i say...i'm blessed. Thank God for that. =)

feeling very very very troubled today....its been a long time since i last felt this way....the feeling is difficult to describe....just very unsettled and frustrated. Perhaps its time to start praying again.

mayb coz mark is not around thus feeling a little lost...he left for biz trip yesterday and will only be back on Friday. its only a few days but i really missed him a lot already....dun like to be alone..not at this time

got to go for my op on Wed morning...really dread going for it. More afraid of the pain than anything. Everytime i think about it i could feel butterflies in my tummy...those who know about it told me it is not painful..at most feel sore...i certainly hope so.

its been difficult for me the past two weeks. dunno whether it is because i worry unduly or there's really cause for worrying. Feels like i'm going crazy..if this go on I think i will breakdown soon. getting a little unreasonable lately and this is starting to strain my relationship with my best fren. i also dunno what is wrong just cannot seems to be myself. i'm not normally this way but i hv been very paranoid with people around me lately. always seems to suspect that they r leaving me...should i just bottle it away or should i hv a good talk? I think i should constantly tell myself not to be paranoid...there are so many people who love me dearly and are worried about me

despite all that, i must admit that i've been a little disappointed with one person lately. he has not been able to understand my worries and comfort me when i needed him most. i know he is equally frustrated, angry and disappointed in me lately cos of my recent many quarrels with him...i know i confused and frustrated him quite a lot but had expected our bond to be stronger so that we can withstand all these quarrels. But instead i realise he is not as eager to resolve problems (mayb he din think there's any problems in the first place) between us...mayb coz he is very busy, tired or mayb it is just not as important to him. even if he thinks there's no problem, i had tot he should at least talk it through with me. we have not had a serious heart to heart talk yet...it has always been rather one-sided thus far...well...it takes two hands to clap...i know it is bad to leave problems unsolved as it may result in more misunderstanding in time to come but there's only so much i can do. if it is the way it is supposed to be...i shall just have to accept it. pressing on will only push him further.

my greatest wish now is that things do not change between us...we will always remain the best of frens..we will always be each other's ohana. I shall include that in my prayer too. If he whom i trust most among my frens were to change, then i guess there's not much i can hope for in friendship anymore.

feel a lot better after penning down all my thoughts.

silly me silly me

ced told me i should just be who i m....even if i like to be silly...i should just be. So we r both going to be silly and crazy...

gained some wisdom but lost a tiny piece of my heart

m starting to wonder whether i'm unreasonable.

y does it seems like i'm the only one who's anxious about things, changes etc

seems to hv problem communicating my thoughts to him as he dun think that my concerns are justifiable...is it just a matter of seeing things from different perspective? m i worrying too much like he said?

But it is true that there are differences in behaviour and attitude, but could they just be another passing phase?

I was told that what's most important is his heart and that i should know what lies in his heart...do i or do i not...feeling confused...as much as i know he loves me dearly as a sister, sometimes his actions speak otherwise...no reply to my sms, we r not talking as much these days..etc...all these little things that girls would notice but guys probably would not notice or simply shrug it off.

all i ask for is simply reassurance, be more patient and open with me...is that too much to ask for? but i was told that being expressive is not a daily thing and at times when it happens, it is coz he was in the right mood to. I hope i din interpret wrongly but this is so hurting. doesn't it all come from his heart....why is it dependent on mood...shouldn't it be geniune?

y can't he try seeing things from my perspective...i know he's upset with my qns and doubts and i can understand why he is upset....so why can't he understand where i'm coming from...

sometimes i wonder whether this will go anyway...maybe soon we will simply drift apart like all frens do.....mayb its my fault that i dun trust him enuf...the sense and fear of loss is simply too great.

perhaps its not a blessing to be close to me...perhaps i just cannot bring myself to trust another person...perhaps i'm just too afraid of changes and people leaving...

where did the trusting Maddy go...=.. (

hahahaaa...decided to post my last entry in super huge font...so fun

Sat is gone just like that....

haiyo....so fast sat is over....time really flies...

started the day early with badminton..din play much as feeling quite tired..guess still groggy from the flu medicine. Had great lunch with the kakis...ate at AMK hub today.

Decided to go shopping after lunch at compasspoint as wanted to get a dress and some wound dressing stuff in preparation for the surgery. A dress i found and bought...along with another jacket suit from G2000...heeheee...also bought another skirt...oh most important Mark has finally bought a new pair of pants...its about time....hmmm...retail therapy =)

Seems to hv bought quite a number of things today...toiletries, clothes..finally gotten the cute red mushroom toothpick dispenser from Action City. As usual spent some time cuddling the mushroom cushions and big red mushroom eggy at minitoons too...once again resisted the temption to get one. = P

Good that i hv managed to accomplish so much in the afternoon...hvn't shopped that long in ages. Had a wonderful dinner with Mark and his dad at this fusion restaurant that is tucked away in Seletar Hills...its called Bistro Cafe. Have western, local and indian cuisine....we were a bit sceptical initially about the quality of the food since they are selling so many types of cuisine but the food was surprisely good...infact very good! We tried all three types of cuisine...Mark with his fish and chip (what's new heehee), dad with indian tandoori and me with my seafood noodle......yummmy....all three were delicious. We were really impressed with the chef and would definitely go back again. The owner of the restaurant did not spare any expenses in doing up the place....cozy and well furnished with paintings, nice wooden furnitures, table linens etc etc. They have big tables that can hold up to 8 pax and i'm sure more if they join the smaller tables...seems like a good choice for future gatherings. Perhaps should bring the hougang gang or ZY and Ced there some day....

since i'm talking about food now....started experimenting different cooking style with spaghetti again....love spaghetti and ate a few times this week. Hvn't cooked fried spaghetti with seafood for a long time...decide to try again this wk. First try wasn't that good....lost touch le....2nd try was much much better....fried with prawns (oooo...my favourite seafood!) Think i shd cook more often at home....thinking of cooking curry nxt....should practise more. Hvn't cooked chilli crab for quite some time, so maybe should do so one wkend but need to buy live crab from the market. Perhaps should plan a seafood feast...but oops...forgot surgery coming up soon...either hv to be next wkend or after july...sigh....okie shall stick back to meat for the time being. I shall perfect my curry while i'm recuperating then....haiz

More shopping after dinner....went to little india with mark to look for his batik shirt....managed to find a pretty nice one that has short sleeves. He needed another one with long sleeves but we couldn't find it. Started pouring heavily all of the sudden and traffic became quite chaotic near mustafa (which is our intended destination to look for the shirt) so decided to abandon our mission and come home. Both of us got caught in the rain too....but at least the weather is much much cooler now. Poor mark is now back at his own home to do some work.....

What a day....shopping from 3pm all the way to 11pm.....not quite sure what dressings stuff i might need so may need to buy again. Mark may need to buy some stuff for his trip too...will only know what he lacks after he has packed his bag.

Another prayer for my loved one....

poor joyce...another disappointment for her. i hate it when things dun run smoothly for her.

No matter what happen, my only wish for her is that she stays strong...hang in there and dun give up on her dreams! WE (me, Mark and ah bee) LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!

God, pls pls pls be kind to her and grant her all her wishes and dreams.

simple solutions in a complicated world

started the day on a bad note...feeling terrible now.

the flu is not getting better and this morning woke up with a cough...wonder what will come next.

din sleep well last nite becoz there were lots of things on my mind. many issues to think through, reflect on etc etc...what should i do moving forward. guess i've more or less made up my mind. may not be the best decision but at least what i think is best for me now..

many questions without any answers, many doubts without clarifications. i hate uncertainties, i hate doubts, i hate assumptions....y can't everything be made simpler by having everyone more open with each other. happy say so, not happy say so...why must i always second guess what others' thinking.

i hate grey area...black is black, white is white...as simple as that. why should i assume that i'm being missed, why should i assume that i'm being thought of, why should i assume that i'm being loved...i'm not someone with super great self esteem to always assume all of the above is true, neither am i a mind-reader...most of all, i hv not been told that i've been missed, thought of or loved.

with uncertainties come doubts...many thoughts hv crossed my mind: perhaps i'm not that important after all, i'm not being missed, maybe there are many others like me, mayb i'm being too sticky, mayb i'm being too imposing, mayb i dun hv a right to demand all these, who m i in the first plc, mayb i'm simply not important enough to be worth the effort or treasured enough to be worth changing for.

aiyah!!! hate to hv so many negative thoughts all the time. giving is a joy but only when there's no expectations. mayb i should not have any expectations at all....but can i achieve that...its tough but i will try.

can't believe i'm doing this during a workday...heehee

just feel so sian at work and badly need to take a break..sigh...slept really late last nite and din sleep well so got a sore neck.

this wkend seems especially short. Rushing here and there on sat, had to rush home to prepare for the wedding after badminton, followed by many inpromptu 'tasks' during the wedding, din help that i had a one-sided headache that wun go away even after i have taken panadol. Thank goodness the wedding dinner ended early (before 10pm!) the shortest i have ever been to probably coz its a western dinner. wanted to give up watching my korean dvd to have a good sleep but unfortunately received a SOS call from my sis to take my mum to the doc....she had gastric flu too. gosh...must hv gotten it from me...the virus seems quite strong, passed from me to Mark (poor fella vomitted so many times last week) then to my colleague Serene and now to mummy. now i feel kinda strong though since all i got was gastric and nauseousness for two days. by the time i got home and settle down to sleep...it was almost two.

of cos i compensated myself by sleeping till almost noon on sun =P

however, no lazing around or watching my korean drama since this is the last wkend for me to evacuate my room....spent the whole day packing and throwing stuff...think the cleaner must be scolding me for throwing out so many junks all in a day!

not quite done yet...still got my books (tons and tons of them) and my wardrobe (whatever remaining clothes i have there)...almost there almost there....nxt wkend i'm going to pamper myself for the hardwork by spending a day doing all the things that i like =)

as the day draw nears i'm getting more and more afraid...silly of me to be afraid of such a small surgery but my threshold of pain is very low and never had stitches before....plus hear all the scary stuff about infections, procedures etc etc...sigh...hopefully this is the only time i need to go under the knife...if the result is benign then no more surgery...dun intend to remove the rest unless doc says so....keeping my fingers crossed.

nice of ZY to call to ask me if i want to join him and his frens for a drink on sat....a pity i hv to be at the wedding dinner...otherwise may join him if ced is going too. its fun to go out with them, no stress, no worries, can let my guard down. its nice of both of them to stay in touch with me too while oniisan is away, they probably are scared that i'll be bored....mayb should ask them out for dinner this wk....they always make me laugh. But i'll probably miss oniisan more if i meet them coz usually if i hang out with the two funnie guys, oniisan is always around...watever, its only a wk more

still nice to know that they bother to keep in touch with me, whether its out of their own will or coz oniisan asked them to...just same silly me again, easily touched....anyway, thanks to both of them although they wun get to see my blog and THANKS to ZY for his encouragements on sat...hahaa....i din fall and manage to pull through without any hiccups = P

almost 2pm now....will go back early today to catch up on my korean drama...heeheee...

Exam on a Sun?!?!?!

Oniisan and Zhiyou are taking their CFA exam today......and the exam starts at 8.30am and ends at 5.30pm!!!

I know its absolutely crazy to take such a long exam on a SUNDAY..but...pls blessed them with wisdom, energy and good results.